The “New” Marriage, or Why I’m Taking the Plunge
In the past, I’ve been accused of being a bad fiance because of my views on marriage. It is with great hesitation, therefore, that I pen the following words. Try to keep in mind that I try, everyday, to question the common knowledge topics we take for granted, and to understand WHY they’re considered common knowledge, and whether I truly want to subscribe to them or not. This is one attempt to investigate.
I posted to my Facebook wall the other day that sometimes I feel like I’m cheapening the institution of marriage by getting married. I know girls who were ALL ABOUT their weddings in the many months leading up to them, and when the day came, it was all about them. I know women who have actually gotten jealous and territorial when the spotlight has been taken off of themselves and their big day. Its like weddings these days are just ways to show off and be self-centered without getting called out on it. The bride is the most important person in the world.
I don’t feel like that. My entire mantra for the past 10 months has been if everyone else is happy, than I’m happy. I’ve actually been told that I’m wrong to think that way, that it should be all about me.
Why?
I bet you can’t give me a clear answer besides “it’s the bride’s day”. Sure, but its the groom’s day too. It takes 2 to get married. And my fiance cares about how the wedding turns out, so why is it fair to claim singular possession over a celebration for the both of us? And on that note, I’m an only child. My mother will only have one child get married (hopefully) ever. My father will only walk one daughter down the isle. They’ve both looked forward to this monumental life shift since I was a little girl. They love me unconditionally and support me in my future, so why can’t my day be about them too? Why is it all about me?
To me, its silly to take marriage so seriously. Its an antiquated ritual at best, a socially acceptable method of control and domination at worst. I’ve been told about the numerous things you “just do” or “just don’t do” once you’re married. For instance, did you know if my friends don’t like my husband, regardless of how well they treat him, I shouldn’t be friends with them anymore? And if I have any male friends, I have to say goodbye at the wedding (if they’re even allowed to be invited) unless I see them solely when my husband is around. I can agree with my husband becoming the most important person in my life, but that shouldn’t make him the only person.
Marriage is about dedicating yourself to another person, mind, body, and soul. Its about finding someone you want to spend your life with. Its not about changing your life, or your personality, or your body to suit your spouse’s needs. And its about partnership; we are a team now, and things are handled as such.
Marriage used to be about ownership and procreation. Obviously we’re living in a modern world with developed ideas of love, sex, and gender. The fact that I can write this is proof. Some people just haven’t outgrown old traditions, though. I support the preservation of our past, but I cannot get behind purporing traditions simply because its what we’ve always done without scrutinizing the who, what, where, when, and why of those traditions. Marriage is simply one of those traditions.
I bet you’re wondering why, after all this, did I agree to get married. Because the man who asked me is caring, supportive, funny, tolerant, and loves me. Because he asked, and its something that he wanted, and as much as I take issue with certain aspects of the ritual, its not enough to disappoint him. Before we asked, we had many discussions about whether or mot I even wanted to get married. I did not enter into this life change lightly and wothout serious thought on the matter.
Ultimately, I know I made the right decision, because when I first said “I don’t know if marriage is really for me”, it took David all of 5 seconds to support my indecision and still love me for it. When I decided to keep my maiden name in an effort to display and protest my issues with the whole tradition, he told me it was my decision and he’d support whatever I wanted to do, and even offered to change his last name to a hyphenation if I wanted to do the same. This man realizes that I don’t take social morms for granted and loves me anyway, lives me because of it. That’s how I knew that saying yes was the right choice.
But that doesn’t mean marriage has to be the right choice. Marriage shouldn’t be a public affair; its personal, its completely between the two people pledging their lives to each other. (Ask me my opinions on same sex marriage – go ahead.) People keep asking me if I’m nervous, excited, stressed – all because these are things I should be feeling. But I’m not, because no one will know how much thought went into this decision for me. And that’s the way it should be: choosing what’s right for you, because its right for you. Not because its what society says is normal.
And on that note… My wedding is in 8 days. If I’m quiet for a couple weeks, that’s why. While David and I aren’t doing a traditional honeymoon, we will be doing lots of small trips, so I’ll be sure to take lots of pictures!. I’ll see you all in the fall.
Posted on September 13, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged critical thinking, Love, marriage, Ritual, society, tradition, Wedding. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.
Weddings in most societies are not about just the bride. They are about a couple joining together as one for life. In Michael and my case, in the eyes of a religion as well as legally. To get married to simply not disappoint someone does cheapen the value of marriage, as it states that to you it isn’t anything particularly important. As a comparison, it would be like having a child just to not disappoint someone even if you had issues with becoming a parent.
That’s exactly why we didn’t get engaged sooner. I spent a long time exploring my views on marriage and whether or not it was right for me. I don’t think a lot of people do this anymore, nor do they realize exactly where the tradition comes from and what it means.
My two cents, devalued as our currency is at the moment, is as follow. You are absolutely correct in your assertions, that marriage is a personal thing, solely between the couple invested in it. You are also correct that it should be what that couple wants it to be. Weddings (notice i differentiate from the word marriage), however, are about community. We forget this,I think, often in this modern age. It’s easier for us to distance ourselves from each other while still remaining “in contact”. We have a million friend s on facebook, and five that we see more than a handful of times in a year. Weddings are just one among a multitude of events that have always been about community. While you and David say your vows and celebrate your union, married couples there will reflect on their own relationships. Older people will look back on fond memories. Younger people will make new ones. We spend a lot of time apart in today’s society. Weddings are one of those events that pulls people from their isolation, and gives them a chance to remember what it is to be part of a community.
I did make a point to mention that the actual wedding shouldn’t be about just me. My mom, for instance, is just as invested in this ritual as I am. And that’s the way it should be.
I like your approach. I don’t see why people would tell you you’re “doing it wrong” because you’re making decisions that are right for you. Maybe they feel judged because you don’t do things their way? Those would be their issues, of course, but it’s no fun to feel the kickback. I hope you both have a very fulfilling marriage day.
As with any wedding, I’m beginning to notice, tensions run high with the silliest things. Now that we’re T-minus 6 days, its getting better – but more stressful! Isn’t that how it always is? Thanks for your well wishes!!
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